How do you know when it’s time to downsize? One Calgary family’s journey

For many older adults, the hardest part of downsizing isn’t packing the boxes. It’s deciding that it’s time to leave the home where so much of life has happened.

For 93-year-old Dale Henry, the decision to move into a retirement residence in northwest Calgary came only after he reached the conclusion himself. That was important to his son, Dave. “The thing about dad is that you have to let him believe it’s his own idea,” Dave says.

Dale had spent decades in his home in Kelowna with his wife. After she died in 2022, he initially wanted to stay there. Eventually, after his 90th birthday, he agreed to move to Calgary to live with Dave and his wife. But it took another couple of years before Dale decided he was ready for another move. The turning point came during a family vacation to Palm Springs.

Dale slipped getting out of a pool, cut himself and needed 13 stitches. The incident made him realize how quickly circumstances could change.

“When we got back from Palm Springs, he said, ‘We were there for two weeks and the second week you just looked after me,’” Dave recalls. Dale began thinking about what could happen if he had a more serious health emergency. “He said, ‘I think I’d like to move out.’”

The family didn’t pressure him. Instead, they started looking. Dale toured two retirement residences and quickly found one he liked. He moved in at the end of May.

For Dave, the decision was about more than finding his father a place to live. It was also about avoiding the kind of crisis the family had experienced with Dale’s wife, who had dementia for seven years. “I had already been through it with mom scrambling to find a place for her in a weekend,” Dave says. “We didn’t have to do that.”

So, when is it time?

There isn’t one age or single event that tells someone it is time to downsize. Sometimes the signs are physical. Sometimes they are social. And sometimes a person simply realizes that maintaining the house is becoming more work than it is worth.

Leroy Peters of Carefree Concierge helps older adults and their families navigate downsizing and moves. He says one of the first questions to ask is whether the home is still safe. If someone is struggling with stairs, particularly because of mobility problems or anxiety about going up and down, that can be a warning sign. So can unused parts of the house.

“If you have a room in your house or a floor that’s become a repository for all things not needed, and you just close the door because that way you don’t see it, but you haven’t been in that room for a very long time, that’s a sign,” Peters says.

Food can be another clue. Someone who once cooked regularly but is now relying on cereal, canned soup or other easy meals may be struggling to maintain the routines that once came naturally. And then there is social isolation. “How often do you talk to somebody else?” Peters asks. “If you’re spending days without social interaction, that’s a sign.”

One of the benefits of retirement communities, he says, is the built-in social connection. There are meals, activities and people who notice when someone doesn’t show up. “If you’re not coming down for dinner … your friends will knock on your door for dinner,” Peters says. “There’s an accountability and friendship.”

For Dale, that social connection has made a noticeable difference. When he lived with Dave and his wife, he was well cared for and surrounded by a loving and helpful family. But retirement living has given him something different: a community and the opportunity to choose how he spends his time.

“There’s more of a life to him,” Dave says. “More of a spark.” In fact, when Dave tells his dad he’ll come visit, Dale sometimes has other plans. “I said, ‘Dad, I’ll come visit you on Thursday.’ He laughs, ‘No, I’m going out.’”

The emotional weight of downsizing

The decision can be particularly difficult for people who have lived in the same home for decades. Dale and his wife had been in their house for 33 years. It was about 3,800 square feet, including the basement, and contained the possessions they had accumulated during 60 years of marriage. Getting rid of those belongings was one of the hardest parts of the process.

Dave brought a trailer to the house and helped his father sort through things, taking some items to organizations such as the Salvation Army and Goodwill. Other possessions ended up temporarily stored in Dave’s basement. Peters says that is where families can benefit from starting early. “The older we get, the more the change becomes overwhelming,” he says. “Just the thought of it can be crippling.” His advice is to plant the seeds before a move becomes urgent.

He suggests walking through the house with Post-it notes. One colour can identify the essentials. Another can identify things the person would like to keep if there is room. A third can identify items that should go. “If it didn’t get a tag, you don’t need it at all,” Peters says. His philosophy is simple: “It’s OK to have things. It’s not OK when those things have you.” He also encourages people to think realistically about what they actually use.

“If you haven’t used it in a year, you don’t need it,” he says. “And if you have more than one, you don’t need it.”

That can be particularly difficult for generations accustomed to keeping things because they might be useful someday. But Peters says families need to recognize that the next generation may not want to inherit everything. Dave came to the same realization through helping his father. “Your children don’t want your stuff,” he says. “They’ve got their own lives. They’ve got their own possessions.” That experience has prompted Dave and his wife, Sue, to think about their own future. Their house is about 3,000 square feet and already full. “We made the decision that at some point … we’ll have to start getting through things and deciding that we’re going to downsize.”

Planning before the crisis

Peters says another obstacle is the perception that moving into a retirement residence will automatically cost much more than staying in a paid-off home. He suggests doing the math.

Add up property taxes, utilities, insurance, groceries, lawn care, snow removal and the other costs associated with maintaining a house. Then compare that with the cost of a retirement residence. “Sometimes it’s just going through the math,” he says. And sometimes it helps to have someone outside the family start that conversation. “Sometimes it’s easier to hear from someone who’s not family,” Peters says.

That was part of what Carefree Concierge provided for the Henry family. The company helped sort, organize, pack, move and unpack Dale’s belongings, setting up his new suite so it felt familiar when he walked through the door. For Dave, that was invaluable. “It was exactly like when you walked in the door. That’s how it was set up,” he says. “It was a godsend. It felt like home to him.”

The goal, ultimately, isn’t to wait until someone can no longer cope. It is to recognize the signs while there is still time to make the decision together. For Dale, that meant making the move while he was still able to say what he wanted.

“I think it’s probably time,” he told his family.

And that may be the most important sign of all: when an older adult begins to recognize that the goal isn’t simply to stay in the biggest house possible, but to find a place where life can continue with less stress, more connection and a little more room to enjoy it.