From support to dependence and abuse: Crossed boundaries

Growing older should be a time to slow down, enjoy life, and have the freedom to make your own choices. Older adults should be able to turn to loved ones for support without giving up their independence or sense of control. Yet abuse, neglect, and mistreatment can sometimes happen quietly within families and go unnoticed or unreported. When these behaviours come from people we love and trust, they can be especially difficult to recognize and address.

One growing concern is when an adult child or grandchild moves into their parent’s or grandparent’s home and becomes dependent on them for housing, food, transportation, or financial support. It often begins out of compassion and wanting to help their loved one through challenging times. They may be dealing with job loss, financial hardship, divorce, addiction, or mental health challenges, and the older adult may simply want to help. What starts as temporary support can gradually become long-term dependency and lead to unhealthy or blurred boundaries.

The situation becomes more concerning when the older adult is expected to continue providing support despite having their own health concerns, along with limited finances and resources. The adult child or grandchild may initially offer to help with bills, banking, or transportation, but over time that help can shift into taking control of financial decisions. The boundary is crossed when the older adult’s choices are restricted, money is taken without their consent, or they are made to feel pressured, afraid, or unable to say no.

Dependency alone does not prove that abuse is occurring, but it can increase the risk, especially when it is combined with coercive control, resentment, pressure, or a belief that the older adult’s money or property belongs to the person causing harm. Risk factors to watch for include reliance on the older adult for housing, money, transportation, or other necessities; a shared living arrangement with unclear boundaries or expectations; depression, addiction, or other mental-health concerns; limited employment or fewer opportunities for independence; and a strong sense of entitlement to the older adult’s home, savings, or property.

The older adult may fear that speaking up will leave their loved one homeless, affect their relationship with their child or grandchildren, divide the family, or expose them to further blame. They may also see providing continued support as part of their role as a parent, even when the relationship and situation have become unhealthy.

The Alberta Elder Abuse Awareness Council defines elder abuse as any action or inaction by a person(s) in a trusting relationship that causes harm and distress to an older adult. Several forms of abuse may occur at the same time, including financial abuse (misusing money through fraud, trickery, theft or force), psychological or emotional abuse (using threats, intimidation, humiliation, manipulation, or isolation), physical abuse (causing physical harm or using inappropriate restraint), neglect (failing to provide necessary care, support, or protection), medication abuse (the misuse of an older person’s medications and prescriptions by withholding medications, overmedicating or sedating), and sexual abuse (all unwanted forms of sexual activity, behaviour, assault, or harassment). Financial and emotional abuse are the most common forms of abuse.

If you are concerned that an older adult may be experiencing abuse, begin by reaching out calmly and privately. Let them know that you care and that you are ready to listen, and that they are not alone. A supportive conversation can help them feel safer and make it easier to speak up when they are ready.

Respect for the older adult’s autonomy is essential. To support an older adult who may be experiencing harm, it is important to listen without judgment. Avoid pressuring the older adult or making decisions on their behalf. Offer information and support, respect their pace, and continue to remind them that help is available and you are there to help or listen if they want. Even if they are not ready to make changes, being heard and believed can restore a sense of dignity and control and help them regain their self-confidence.

Sometimes just knowing that someone cares and is willing to stand beside them can make a difference and give them the courage to take the next step.